


A Streetcar Named Desire

by Aeriel



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: First Time, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 01:37:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17736572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeriel/pseuds/Aeriel
Summary: And maybe it’s because he’s tired. Maybe it’s because his nightmares are full of unwanted touches that turn to groping and pawing and pain. But on this night, Ash turns and kisses Eiji.





	A Streetcar Named Desire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [geckoholic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/gifts).



Eiji has soft hands. Okay, not really soft, callused, but… gentle. Ash has never known a gentler touch. Not that Eiji treats him like he’s fragile or something, his hand on Ash’s shoulder isn’t tentative or cautious, just… soft. It’s hard to describe.  
  
Ash never really liked poetry, but there’s something about Eiji that makes him wish he had better words to describe how Eiji makes him feel, words that seem suspiciously like poems he’s flipped past when leafing through books in the reading room at the Bryant Park library.  
  
He’s heard some whispers that Eiji’s tamed the wildcat that Ash supposedly is, but that’s not right. If anything, it feels like the opposite— like when it’s just him and Eiji, Ash can finally stop pretending to be Ash Lynx.  
  
Which is terrifying, because he needs to be Ash Lynx. He needs to survive, and survival isn’t gentleness, it’s jagged edges and a face that can be as hard as stone and smile at jokes that aren’t really jokes. Survival is a knife in your pocket just in case the other guy’s got a knife too, because usually he has.  
  
When Ash wakes up sweating and shaking and ready to jump at whatever little thing might set him off, Eiji comes over and puts his arms around him and just _stays_. Doesn't ask questions Ash doesn't want to answer, doesn't ask anything of Ash. Just by _being there_ he's doing more than most people Ash loved ever managed.

And maybe it’s because he’s tired. Maybe it’s because his nightmares are full of unwanted touches that turn to groping and pawing and pain.  
  
But on this night, Ash turns and kisses Eiji.  
  
Not much of a kiss, definitely not the way he kissed him at the prison. Just long enough to fill the space of one breath.  
  
And yet it makes Eiji’s breath hitch, makes him go so still that for a moment Ash thinks he’s fallen right from one nightmare into another, that Eiji will never look at him the same way again, never touch him with his gentle hands again, never—  
  
“Why did you do that?”  
  
As quietly as Eiji spoke the words, they seem to echo in the silent walls of their bedroom.  
  
Ash shrugs, tries to play it off casually. “I don’t know. Why, did it bother you?”  
  
Eiji frowns, and Ash’s heart sinks. “The last time you kissed me, I knew why the moment you passed that message into my mouth. But it’s not like that now, is it? It’s just us.”  
  
“Does it have to mean something?” Ash exhales, wishing he could take it back.  
  
“Well… yes.” He hears Eiji laugh, which is confusing. “Look, I don’t just go around letting people kiss me as a hobby. And I know you wouldn’t kiss me here alone just to see how I’d react.”  
  
“I wanted to, okay? Sheesh.” As he says it, Ash realizes it’s true.  
  
“Ash.”  
  
Eiji says something else, something so soft that Ash has to turn back and look at him just to stand a chance of understanding him.  
  
It’s hard to tell without any lights on apart from the ambient light of the streets of Manhattan bleeding through the window, but Eiji is smiling, and Ash thinks maybe even blushing a little.  
  
“I care about you, Ash. And if you want to kiss me… that’s all right.” Ever so slightly, Eiji leans in towards Ash. “I… I think I want to kiss you, too.”  
  
“You _think?”_ Ash is mildly offended.  
  
Eiji laughs again, and the sound is almost tender. “You’re right. I do want to kiss you.”  
  
And just like that, Eiji’s mouth is on Ash’s again.  
  
Eiji doesn’t really know how to kiss, that much is clearly, endearingly apparent. So Ash does his best to show him and, slowly, Eiji tries to reciprocate.  
  
Before long they have to pull apart, because Ash realizes he’s barely breathing, and Eiji is breathing too hard.  
  
“That was… nice,” Eiji says with a faint smile, breaking a silence that doesn’t really need to be broken. And then, to Ash’s great surprise, he gets up and goes to his own bed, pulling back the covers and tucking himself in.  
  
Ash isn’t sure if he’s relieved or disappointed, and that might just be the strangest thing of all.  
  
Lying back down, Ash stares up at the ceiling and tries to organize his thoughts.  
  
Was that really all Eiji wanted? If so… why?  
  
He’s used to sex being— at best— a means to an end. So he supposes it makes a certain kind of sense that Eiji wouldn’t want that. And that should be a relief.  
  
_So why do I feel like this?_  
  
Tension ran through every part of him, and it was hard to breathe when he remembered how Eiji had kissed him back. He wanted…  
  
“Eiji,” Ash said hoarsely, “are you still awake?”  
  
He heard Eiji’s slow breathing change, and then: “Yes.” The sheets rustled as Eiji propped himself up on one arm. “Why, is something wrong?”  
  
_I don’t know if you want to fuck me or not, and I don't understand why that bothers me.  
_

“Not really. Just wondering.” Ash pushed himself up so he was sitting against the headboard.  
  
More rustling as Eiji followed suit and sat up. “I don’t believe you.”  
  
Ash exhaled wearily. Why did Eiji have to be so damn perceptive? “It’s stupid, okay?”  
  
Even in the dark a few feet away in his bed, Ash could tell Eiji was smiling. “So tell me anyway. What’s the worst thing I could do, laugh?”  
  
Ash could think of worse things than that, but… this was Eiji. Eiji who had promised to stay by his side, who had promised to trust and believe in him. Things were different with Eiji.  
  
So, taking a deep breath, Ash said, “Are you gay?”  
  
There was, Ash thought, a shocked silence, followed by spluttering laughter. “What?!”  
  
“You kissed me,” Ash said doggedly, pushing past the desire to pull it back and make it into a joke. “Is that all you want to do?”  
  
“Well, I…” Eiji recovered enough to swing his legs out of bed, leaning closer to Ash. “I thought that was enough. Didn’t you?”  
  
That was a hard question to answer. Eiji’s kiss was… it was more than enough, really. It was pure and simple and had made Ash ache from the inside in a way he couldn’t possibly explain.  
  
And yet, it felt oddly incomplete, to just separate after that and go to sleep like it was any other night.  
  
_But how much of that is what I really want, and how much of that is just fucked up… associations?_  
  
“I… don’t know.”  
  
Another silence.  
  
“Okay.” Eiji’s bed creaked as Eiji got up. “Do you mind?”  
  
Ash shook his head, and Eiji sat down next to him, close enough that Ash could see the thoughtful expression on his face.  
  
“I guess that’s my answer too. I... I do know that I don’t want to push you into anything, Ash.”  
  
“So you’ve never thought about it?”  
  
He can see he’s shocked Eiji again, but Eiji doesn’t pull back or look away. “Well, um… I didn’t actually say that…”  
  
Ash’s stomach lurches at the admission, with either excitement or dread, he can’t tell.  
  
“Have you?”  
  
Eiji’s eyes see too much, Ash thinks, but not entirely enough.  
  
“Sure,” he says, thought that doesn’t begin to cover how conflicted he’s been over those thoughts, and he can’t quite bear to meet Eiji’s eyes as he says it, preferring to look out at the comforting blaze of Columbus Circle through their window. “Once in a while.”  
  
“Well, you’d know more about it than me. I mean,” Eiji rushes in to justify his first sentence before Ash can get his hackles up, “just that I know so little about that stuff, you know? I was always busy with pole vaulting, and in Japan we don’t really—“  
  
“Have sex?” Ash can’t hold in a snort as he looks back at blushing Eiji.  
  
_“Obviously_ that’s not true,” Eiji returns, a little huffily, but he smiles.  
  
“I probably don’t know as much as you think.” Ash looks down at the sheets, not sure when their hands first clasped. “The first time I barely understood what was happening."  
  
“I’m sorry.” Eiji’s voice is soft, his hand warm in Ash’s.  
  
Ash shrugs. “It is what it is. And I’ve learned a lot since then.” _Whether I wanted to or not._  
  
He looks up in time to see Eiji wince. “I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to have sex again.”  
  
He used to think that way, that if he had the choice he’d never choose to do anything like what he’s been put through. And yet… he’s been thinking about sex more than ever lately.  
  
Mostly when Eiji is near.  
  
“I’ve always wondered,” Ash says slowly, running his thumb over the back of Eiji’s hand, “what it’s like to do it when you actually want to.”  
  
Eiji is so close Ash can feel his breath stop briefly. “I… I think it probably depends. On who you’re… doing it with.”  
  
“Have you done it?”  
  
“I… no…” Eiji admits quietly, after a moment’s wordless embarrassment. “I told you, didn’t I? I was too busy to even think about it.”  
  
“Nobody’s too busy to _think.”_  
  
Eiji scowls at him, and Ash wants to kiss his tightly furrowed lips until they relax and open for him. “Well, it didn’t seem important, anyway.”  
  
“But you’ve thought about it with me.”  
  
Eiji exhales, rubbing his face with the hand that’s not holding Ash’s. “I really never should have admitted that, huh?”  
  
Ash laughs. “Not if you didn’t want to do something about it.”  
  
Eiji’s cheek is burning hot underneath Ash’s palm, his eyes wide with shock (but not fear, never fear) as Ash leans in to kiss him again.  
  
Eiji makes a soft noise as he shifts his head to kiss Ash back, and Ash is startled by the intense jolt of arousal that runs through him at just that little thing.  
  
But it’s not so little a thing, not when Eiji’s hand tightens around Ash’s, when Eiji makes another sound as Ash licks his way into Eiji’s mouth.  
  
There is an impatient voice in him that wants to push Eiji down into the pillows, wants to kiss him more, to dig his nails into Eiji's back— but Ash is wary of that voice, of anything that might unsettle the delicate balance of this moment.  
  
They kiss and kiss and kiss until they are both breathless and, Ash thinks, a little dazed. As they pant, their noses and foreheads still brushing together and their eyes focused on each other’s eyes, Ash realizes, with a slight edge of panic, that he’s not sure how to ease into this. He sure as hell knows how to fuck but it's never been gradual. And he feels weirdly self-conscious laying the groundwork for sex with someone who's not already looking at him like an object.  
  
And so it’s Eiji who smiles gently at him, tugging on his hand until they’re lying side by side on Ash’s bed.  
  
“Ash,” he whispers, and Ash relaxes a little. Eiji’s hand is solid and warm in his, and Ash knows what happens next is anything but inevitable. They could simply fall asleep like this, as they’ve done before, without crossing any more boundaries.  
  
_But just once…_  
  
_Just once I want to…_  
  
Now that he’s looking for it, he can see the longing in Eiji’s eyes, and Ash wonders if Eiji can see the same in him. He’s not used to being transparent, but well, Eiji has a knack for breaking down everything Ash thinks about himself.

Well, if Eiji's waiting for him to make a move, Ash can make a move.  
  
Slowly, Ash brings their clasped hands up to his mouth, loosening his grip and turning Eiji’s hand so he can kiss Eiji’s knuckles. Eiji sucks in a breath, and Ash smiles before taking the tips of two of Eiji’s fingers into his mouth.  
  
Eiji lets out a slightly strangled noise. _“Ash!_ What are you doing?!”  
  
Well, he’s never gotten _that_ reaction before, as though he’s done something more embarrassing than sexy. “What?” He licks the underside of Eiji’s forefinger just in case that helps him get the idea, and Eiji giggles. “Are you… stop laughing!”  
  
“Sorry, sorry… just, that tickles!”  
  
Ash scowls at Eiji, who looks sheepish, though at least still a little pink. “That’s _really_ all you can think of?”  
  
“Well, it’s uh…” Eiji coughs a little, and it occurs to Ash that the suggestiveness of the gesture may not have been entirely lost on Eiji, whether Eiji’s willing to admit it or not. “What did you want me to say?”  
  
Ash leans in, and Eiji is definitely blushing now. “Nothing. Just to see you like this.”  
  
Eiji swallows a little as Ash’s hand curls around the back of his neck. “Well, I, uh…”  
  
Ash lowers his mouth to Eiji’s ear. “Say yes,” he whispers.  
  
“Yes,” Eiji manages, his voice hoarse.  
  
Ash presses a kiss beneath Eiji’s ear, then lower, then lower still until Eiji draws a sharp breath, one of his hands grabbing the back of Ash’s shirt.  
  
It’s unspeakably intense, feeling Eiji’s reaction to Ash’s every touch, and Ash’s whole body thrums with the power of it. _No,_ he corrects himself immediately, _the trust._  
  
Eiji’s hand slides up a bit, gently caressing the back of Ash’s head, and for a moment Ash’s eyes burn with tears he refuses to shed.  
  
Ever so slightly, Eiji tugs Ash up, and as Ash lifts his head, Eiji leans down and kisses him, and it is… indescribable.  
  
Their hands meet on the collar of Eiji’s pajama shirt, fingers stumbling to free buttons from holes until they’re both laughing into each other’s mouths and Eiji pulls back just enough to say, “Okay, okay—“ and pull the shirt off over his head.  
  
Ash can’t resist putting his hands on Eiji the moment the shirt is gone, tracing the outlines of every muscle. A body hardened by hard work and passion, not circumstance and necessity.  
  
“Hey.” Eiji tugs on Ash’s shirt playfully. “It’s not fair if I’m the only one taking clothes off!”  
  
Ash grins, and pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it somewhere into the darkness. “Sure, for the sake of _fairness.”_  
  
Eiji laughs, tugging on Ash’s hair. “See, it’s better this way, isn’t it?”  
  
Ash kisses him hungrily by way of reply. Kissing Eiji skin-to-skin, ever so slightly pushing him down into the mattress is…  
  
Eiji makes a soft noise, shifting against Ash, and Ash nearly bites into his lip when he feels how hard Eiji is.  
  
He pulls out of the kiss, and something in him relaxes a little as Eiji simply lays there and looks up at him with slight embarrassment. Again, Ash remembers that he can leave, he can get out of this bed, can even go downstairs and look for an open bodega or simply walk the streets of Hell’s Kitchen if he wants.  
  
Eiji reaches for Ash, his hand unspeakably gentle as he lays it over Ash’s heart. And how is it that in one simple gesture, Eiji can make him feel more vulnerable than he’s ever been?  
  
“Eiji,” Ash says hoarsely.  
  
Eiji’s smile is tinged with sadness. “I’m here.”  
  
_I want to stay._  
  
That thought fuels Ash, pushes him to kiss Eiji again, slotting their hips together deliberately until Eiji cries out, clutching Ash’s shoulder.  
  
“A-Ash…”  
  
Ash kisses Eiji’s neck, his shoulder, behind his ear as he grinds against Eiji. He wants…  
  
“Ash, wait…”  
  
He stills at once, uncertain.  
  
Eiji cups Ash’s cheek with one steady hand until Ash looks at him, really looks at him. Eiji is flushed and still breathing heavily, but there’s something so earnest in his expression it almost hurts Ash to look at.  
  
“Can I touch you?” Eiji blurts out.  
  
Ash blinks, surprised, then feels his face start to burn as he processes the request.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Eiji’s hand slides down Ash’s body, slipping underneath the waistband of his pants and Ash sucks in a breath as he feels Eiji’s light but firm grip.  
  
It’s strange, just being _held_ like this for a moment. And it is a moment, just long enough for Ash’s certainty to begin to crack before Eiji’s hand starts to move.  
  
Ash sucks in a hard breath, not prepared for how much more intense it feels when looking into Eiji’s eyes while they breathe almost in time with each other, Eiji’s hand working at a steady pace; and Eiji smiles at him, free and easy as though he had never been the hesitant one.  
  
Almost without thinking, Ash reaches out and tugs Eiji’s pajama pants down, just enough for him to return the favor.  
  
_“Ash!”_  
  
Eiji is hot and a little slick in his hand, and Ash groans as Eiji’s hand tightens around him. Eiji bites his lip, but a noise slips out anyway, and Ash can’t resist closing the distance between them and kissing Eiji again.  
  
It’s a hungry, sloppy kiss, not least because Ash is stroking Eiji throughout, and Eiji is trying his best to keep up but can’t seem to manage using his mouth and his hand at the same time. Which clearly bothers Eiji more than it bothers Ash, as Eiji abruptly pulls his face away from Ash with a determined look, his hand immediately resuming its previous actions with enough vigor to wring a choked moan out of Ash.  
  
“That’s… good, right?” Eiji pants, his breath hot against Ash’s face, but Ash doesn’t have the words for how good it is, how much he wants to keep going, to roll around in these sheets with Eiji until they’re covered in each other’s sweat and—  
  
He settles for pressing so close against Eiji he can feel the back of Eiji’s hand moving against his hand, and breathing, “Fuck, Eiji. I—“ He tightens his grip on Eiji and Eiji makes a noise that almost finishes him right there.  
  
“Oh god, this is…” Eiji shudders, then sort of laughs and gives Ash a lopsided grin. “It’s really different with someone. Or maybe it’s just because it’s you, Ash.”  
  
“Well, don’t go around offering it to the guys to find out,” Ash says huskily. “I like you right here, in my bed.”  
  
Eiji grins at him cheekily, though Ash doesn’t miss the way his cock twitches at his words. “What about in my bed? It’s pretty comfy too.”  
  
“I don’t care where we are.” _Just as long as you’re with me._  
  
He feels Eiji sigh, then take another shuddering breath. “Okay, oh… I’m really… really close--“  
  
“Good.” Ash isn’t really sure why Eiji’s bothering to tell him, but it does prompt him to push against Eiji’s hand a little harder, wanting to come as close to Eiji as possible.  
  
“I mean I, ah… I can take over, if you don’t want to—“  
  
“Eiji.” Ash silences him with a kiss.  
  
If Eiji is worried about cleanliness or something, he shouldn’t bother. Ash has been filthy plenty of times before. And there’s nothing about this that fills him with the deep, shuddering revulsion he feels when he thinks about the other men who have touched him like Eiji is touching him now. Because… they _didn’t_ touch him the way Eiji is touching him now, the way Eiji’s always touched him. They didn’t look into his eyes and see him the way Eiji sees him. They didn’t…  
  
“Ash,” Eiji whispers, and Ash realizes he’s blinking back tears again.  
  
Eiji kisses him, washing away all other thoughts.  
  
When Eiji comes, it’s almost enough for Ash too, but Eiji’s hand stutters a little and then he closes his eyes and Ash feels oddly shut out. But then Eiji opens his eyes and just smiles at him, his hand tightening comfortably and Ash—  
  
It’s not the sudden euphoria of orgasm that really hits him— though he’s certainly not complaining about that— it’s afterwards, when instead of the feeling dropping with a sickening jolt the warmth lingers, wrapping around him like Eiji’s arms.  
  
“I’m glad it was with you,” Eiji says softly, and Ash doesn’t have to ask what he means. For a moment, the unfairness of it chokes him— he wishes he’d been able to wait too, to choose his first partner. But he chose this, and that’s not nothing.

"Ash?"

Ash relaxes a little, doing his best to reassure Eiji with a smile. "You know that wasn't even the tip of the iceberg."

For a brief moment Eiji looks confused, then Ash's meaning dawns on him and his face goes pink. "Ah... sure. But I really think that's enough for tonight. I'm tired, you know? And you look tired too."

"That's because I am." Ash yawns. The reality is, he's lucky if he gets another five hours before his subconscious vomits more horrors into his dreams, but hey. If he weren't so tired, he probably wouldn't have blurted out what he had.

He's not actually sure yet if he wants to take things further with Eiji another night. Part of him hungers for it, to keep deepening their intimacy, to make Eiji feel good. To see if all of it feels as different with Eiji as he's starting to suspect it might.

Another part of him thinks, _what are you, crazy_ _?_

But then again, further doesn't have to mean exactly what Golzine and his ilk want of him. He can give without surrendering completely. He can be close to Eiji and still have some boundaries remain uncrossed.

And none of it has to be decided tonight. He's getting ahead of himself, though it's hard to break the habit.

"So go to sleep already." Eiji smiles. "I'm not going anywhere."

It's funny. Apart from certain undeniable physical reminders, it feels like nothing's changed with Eiji. He's not looking at Ash any differently, not treating him any other way than how he's always been. And yet Ash feels different inside, like something in him is calmer and more content.

At least, until morning comes.

Slowly, he closes his eyes.


End file.
